obsession

the same time jerico was flinging
with his japanese girls,
i was flinging with my korean boy.
something ugly happened between both of them.
but i dont have the story he doesnt want to tell me.
i wanna noe.
what happened.
and whether he did it with her.
i think he did it with her.
i wish he could tell me the truth
and i can tell him the truth.

i noe a million ppl must be rolling their eyes.
k this is the last time i promise.
if he ever fling again.
or date other girls.
i will leave him for good.
forever.
no turning back no talking bout it.
just automatically.
i think i cannot do it anymore if i does it again.
my heart like really aches when he does that.
if onli he noes what it feels like.
but for this new year i will be giving him
one more chance.
after dat.
we really are over.
if he makes me sad or angry.
im gonna leave him for good.
no more comprimises.
ok so to make this relationship work i really got to think of the positive.
cant wait for june
i'll buy lots of stuff there. yayy!!!

now i understand why people breakup.
but wat i dont understand is how can u
hate a person when u used to love that person so much.
when u used to fly for him 100,000 miles whether ur healthy or sick.
when u sacrificed your time and money just for him....
and he treats u like dirt in the end.....
can u tell me... are these just friends or more than friends?

everyone cheats.
but not as bad as him.
i noe i have flings.
and i noe its wrong to have them while im with him.
but at least i noe im wrong.
and ive stopped eve since.
but not him.
even his mum is mad at him.
even his mum have some common sense to realise
he is spending quite some time with other ppl and not
the gf.
then no apologies.
u noe wat u did was wrong.
holding hands with a diff gender is ok?
is it really ok?
im not ok with it.
and ive told u dat before.
and im wrong to get jealous?
its my fault to worry n get ngry?
omg.
im really so dumb to fly there n stuff.
im really so dumb to believe that u can be faithful to me.
im really so dumb to believe that we r going to be happily married n im going to have ur kids.
im really damm dumb to have fallen in love with u.

supposedly it was muslim new year yesterday.
happy new year.
anyway, i havent thought of my 2010 resolutions yet
so im gonna look through 2009's one and see what ive done and not.
here goes.

2009 RESOLUTIONS
1. Take up succesfully at least 5 projects for my department.
comment: LPS, YMBA, Greenwave, Songs, Recycling project (yayy!! achieved)

2. Be a responsible and dedicated CL for P2 level.
Comment: NIL... can onli tell in Feb when i get PB.

3. Ensure that all my students respect me as well as their parents show respect to me.
Comment: ok la. very hard to comment.

4. Ensure 100% passess for all subjects and 80% quality passess for SA1.
Comment: 100% passess and quality passess for EL SA2
100% passess and 97% quality passess for Math SA2 yayy!!!!!!!!!

5. Produce holistically educated students in terms of education, aesthetic as well as values.
Comment: Haha i don really noe actually. what was i thinking when i wrote this omg.

6. Produce at least a B grade for my EPMS.
Comment: with stepmom as my RO, i could onli get a C.... blardee beeyatch. w8 for PB.

That's for work.
Overall my EPMS i must see it as a B grade. If A is good la but i doubt so... so aim for B.

Personal Life:
1. Know thy Creator well and obey Him. (read quran, pray, zakat, puasa, go hajj (f God is willing)).
Comment: didn't go Hajj but hey i did pray often almost everyday in fact.

2. Play jazz piano.
Comment: Accomplished. the sch fee is killing me.

3. Teach my piano students dutifully.
Comment: yup. prepared jordan for grade 1.

4. Be neater.
Comment: never gonna be neat in my life. lol.

5. Respect my parents.
Comment: ok la.

6. Love my cats.
Comment: i love them i really do. even those BIG cats.

7. Love my jerico.
Comment: errr this year we really hardly talk to each other. and his cheating
on me with mayu. blah.

8. Lose weight
Comment: my weight is forever stagnant. i need a specific figure.

Haha ok la not bad almost all were full filled.
next year i plan to earn lots of money.
need it for masters, volkswagen, holiday etc etc.
if jerico and i break up, i'll go to NZ yayy!!!!

ok. i noe why ppl strive to be their own boss.
because some bosses are just plain stupid.
k firstly i am soooooo freaking pissed.
why do people keep on looking down on me,
critisizing me,
trying to turn me in to a perfectionist.
im not.
shit no wonder teachers end up in IMH.

ok firstly, why should they be so concern
with all the minor grity details
when what matters most is the big picture.
IF my students meet the target,
why are you concerned whether
i am teaching 'properly/correctly?'
why are you so concerned whether
im marking my books perfectly?
you think i have all the blardee time in the world
to check for nitty gritty mistakes?
in the first place im not that particular
about my students work.
as long as its legible
the answer is correct.
the working makes sense.
i don care how they get there as long as the give me the final piece.
isnt that the goal of DI?
STELLAr?
learning to allow them to make mistakes
as long as they achieve the final outcome?
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you want a perfect piece of marked books
u give me a perfect class.
then i can give u perfect piece of work.
how can i blardee focus on my planning of teaching
when im so focused on watching my back
and making sure i dont do anything
wrong.
im spending more time looking out for nitty gritty
mistakes
then spending time planning on my teaching.
WTF
and please lor
don blame the lower primary teachers for not developing the
foundation of the pupils.
blame it on yourself.

what proof do i have?
well, i manage to enter express stream
when i onli had 1.5 years of Singapore's education system foundation.
and i was one year younger than my peers.
and im born in december.
and they sae those usually born in december are the slower ones.
oh please.

i don need singapore's education system of primary one to four
to get me to pass my PSLE lor.
so please STOP STOP STOP
putting the blame on the lower primary teachers.
i don even need to draw models to answer PSLE math.
i didnt even noe that there were comparison and part whole
models until i started teaching lor!

and oh please
i think the school is seriously something wrong.
when i was in primary 6.
i came from the last em2 class.
and my teacher was so good that year after year
100% of her students will pass PSLE.
no matter how weak they were.
and what was her method?
i don think its her.
i just think that the school allowed her to do whatever she wanted.
i cant even remember her teaching at all.
she just gave us worksheet after worksheet to do.
she doesnt even mark them
but she was strict with us and beat us when we didnt do her work.
because of that everyone was forced to study or do something about their work.
even though we cant give her a perfect set of work.
its ok as long as we achieve the target.
she even made students call other parents for her.
good right?
and i don think the principal really cared what she did
AS LONG AS SHE GETS HER 100% PASSESS AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
and as far as i could remember
when i was in P6 everyday i had remedial.
its like a daily thing.
dats how hard my teacher worked back in primary school.
and they don even blame the other teachers in p1, p2, p3, p4 and p5.

and OMFG
i don noe how many times i must sae this
but im not a stupid person lor.
i believe i was the youngest from my batch.
to graduate.
and i didnt graduate as an average, or bottom of my class.
i was top in my bio cohort lor.
if i was more focused in year 1,
i would have got my first class honours lor.
and please ah i have so many freaking awards to testify.
and yet u tell me about school needs.
rubbish.
its like getting a world class chef to be a dish washer.
no sense.
and i have a piano diploma lor.
and i donno not given my cca choice.
again its like getting a doctor to be a sweeper.
%^*(&#)$U(

ok then another thing.
i don mind giving me lots of work to do.
i can do.
i really can.
but please ah. don give me things which makes me an inefficient teacher
and i hate dealing with politics.
i really hate the part where i really have to watch out for my own back.
i feel like im being watched like in prison or something.

and lastly,
please give some respect for our 'senior' teachers.
i mean sure they may be retiring soon.
but this doesnt mean we have to ignore their needs.
this doesnt give us a right to not professionally develop them further.
THIS DOESNT GIVE US A RIGHT NOT TO RESPECT THEM
JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE RETIRING SOON.
omg i cant believe i heard,
"ms so and so is retiring soon.... i mean for you u have more potential to go further than her."
omg no wonder most retiring teachers get a D in SG.
with a mindset like that,
no wonder they feel so unmotivated to continue doing what they do best
for over 40?50? years of their carrer.
because of this young people
WHO FORGOT TO RESPECT THEIR ELDERS.
OMG OMG OMG
what is society teaching us?
to be nazis?
onli the fittest will survive?
kill all handicaps and old people.
they are useless.
think about it.
its really nazism.

i just hope
1. i marry a loving rich husband so i can be a tai tai
2. i can be my own boss
3. i can find a career that allows me to work efficiently without critisizig all the time.

i think im the nicest gf in the world
though i get jalous easily
im still so very nice.
even though my bf goes out the whole 2 days
and don even talk to me loads
i don get angry.
but when its me,
sigh... i wont hear the end of it.
nag nag nag.
blah. oh someone help me find
a less naggier and richer bf.
lol.

men are like pianos.
did i mentioned that the last time round?
some of them go bad after using for quite some time.
some just go nicer after using for quite some time.
i love my brother.
cause he so nice went to visit me twice even though it was
through the glass panel and bought me subway.
haha.
i love my dad cause his funny and love pinchy.
i love jerico.
except dat he not going to convert.
i asked him.
now how on earth am i going to marry him.
dad,
jerico wants to marry me.
but his not going to convert.
and he has no money.
poor me.
the guy of my dreams isnt exactly perfect.
oh well.